Brenton and Florence met in typical romantic-comedy style: She accidentally spilled beer on him at a baseball game. Captivated by Florence’s beauty—and the kismet of them both wearing jerseys emblazoned with his favorite player’s name and number—Brenton assured her he didn’t mind watching the rest of the game in damp socks and sneakers. He continued the conversation, best he could, by spouting statistics and cracking corny jokes. She smiled sweetly at his lame attempts at humor, but her attention was focused on the field. After their team won, he invited her to join him for a celebratory dinner. She politely declined, saying she had a boyfriend. 

Now that our breakup’s official, I think it’s only fair that I return the things you left behind in my apartment. Contained within the brown box below you’ll find the following items: 

1. Head-banging Heavy Metal Hits CD. No longer having to subject my ears to any of these songs might just be the biggest benefit of our breakup.